The Masochistic Adventures of Ford and Arthur
by klatukatt
Summary: Complete at last. Seven chapters of a sweet and sour gay relationship.
1. Vogon Poetry

"Good grief, mankind, how much oxygen do you need?"

Arthur had brought his own breathing tank to the poetry reading. "I love embracing alien cultures," he said, "but they tend to make me a bit dizzy."

Racket Vogon Quamp could understand this. He turned to look again at the... turnip Ford was banging on.  
("Turnip" by stunning coincidence means "huge monstrosity of a thingie", a thingie being a sort of stick used to ward off spiritual attacks on the intestines.)

Arthur looked at the Turnip too. "Are you sure this will be a good experience?"

"I'm not sure," said Ford, adjusting the wires. "But the last time was rather good, wasn't it?"

"Of course it wasn't!"

"You said it was."

"That was so we wouldn't get thrown out of an airlock!"

"But we did anyway so you must have liked it."

Arthur sighed. So did Quamp.

Quamp hadn't been around humans before, but this pair was still making him nervous. He'd seen a personal ad in the ! section asking if there was any Vogon with Poetry Appreciation Chairs that would like to participate in a little experiment. Now, he wasn't sure he wanted his poetry to be heard or even appreciated by such... grapefruits.  
(GrapefruitsFreaks)

Ford stepped back from the cages. "There," he said. "I just made a couple minor adjustments to the screamfiresonancegen to connect them together for a mutual appreciation.

"And that means?" asked Arthur lazily.

"When either of us screams it resonates the same way the poetry does," Ford explained.

"So not only are we filled with the sounds of lovely poetry," Arthur smiled at Quamp, "We also hear each other's screams echoing through our heads."

"Exactly."

"And this is good why?"

"Come on, Arthur," whined Ford. "You have to be open to new experiences. And sharing them," he added, seeing the question that Arthur was about to ask.

Arthur sighed again. "Fine then." He climbed into a cage. "But you aren't getting any tonight. This is your fun, and it will probably use up your fun account for the whole week."

"Relax, Arthur," said Ford while climbing into the other cage.

"I believe this experiment is the complete opposite of relaxation." Arthur leaned back.

Quamp was still mystified by the intricacies of this relationship, but he took this as his cue to sit down with a microphone and open his poetry book.

"Whenever you're ready," said Ford.

"Rack the flrob of the bhrithy grabjappleh  
offleing around the purgind crrrrrmmmmmz!"

"I'M NOT READY! I'M NOT READY!" screamed Arthur and Quamp stopped abruptly.

"Oh, don't listen to him," panted Ford. "Go on, please."

Quamp was uneasy but continued.

"Grig FAH grig FAH the garbelelelnsnsnsngggo  
and everywhere the Uhhannnso cccry"

"EEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

"Ohhhhhhhahaaaaahhhhhhhaaaaahhoooooo"

"A TRIGGLEEDDD POX on the  
Grraazzzzznny sons of Grrrgggggangngnles!  
A POX of ylllllgeenennenssen  
on their brrraaanseeened gggrrrrrruuuuuugggnlllns!"

Quamp was quite pleased with his dramatic reading and looked up to see how his audience was taking it.

The one called Arthur was as stiff as a board with his eyes screwed up and his mouth stretched as far as it could go to his ears.

The one called Ford had his spine in a curve and was gripping the cage with his tongue hanging out.

It was a few seconds before Arthur realized it was over. He opened his eyes cautiously and looked over at Ford. Ford had sunk down to the bottom of his cage with a bemused grin, eyes still closed.

"That was an experience all right," said Arthur, experimenting with the right words. "Yes, something I will never forget... Ford?"

Ford was not answering and Arthur doubted he was aware of anything outside of his cage.

"You liked that, didn't you?" Arthur muttered to Ford, knowing it was useless. Then he turned to Quamp. "Excuse me, do have anything a little more somber?"

"Oh, yes, I think so," said Quamp. He wasn't used to requests, but found something suitably dirge like.

"Rrrejjallllen my ooownllyyy hhhhwwrannnng..."

As Quamp extended the relevant syllables dramatically, Arthur fell back in his cage and moaned. Ford quivered and took in a deep breath.

"Blllarrrggllle toook theee awwayhhh  
to the flreggggeddd realllmmsss ohh teee  
garrrrrwwwwwrnnnn mmarrrrrrg...  
and therrrrrrrr wuuurrrrrrst innnn  
vrooooonnyy mmmmire  
glinininininininininiggggllllllllled  
to the laaaaast  
frrreeggnump."

The change in the humanoids was remarkable. They were almost singing along, rolling their heads from side to side, tensing some muscles and going completely slack sometimes. Quamp thought it was time for a change of pace.

"Ohhh gggrrrawwwk!  
When teeeee wwweerrrgooone  
I yeeeglllled my swwwarrrrth  
tiim de cawwwwrrrsud ddeeeeee  
kkkaattttaaannnnnnnnaahh!  
Ohhh! qqoooooooommmmth  
EEEEEhh! No NOMRE!  
Yarrefffsngl! my snnnoorreew!  
GGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAH!"

The two humanoids screamed this last scream with Quamp, then were still. Quamp closed his book and switched off the Turnip to signify the end of the recitation.

Arthur opened his eyes, panting. He grabbed the bars of his cage and called out, "Ford?"

This time he was answered with a gasp of "Yes?"

"Ford," gasp, "the next time we do this," gasp, "let's be in the same cage."

Ford knew what Arthur meant and after they had been let out and thanked Quamp profusely, they trotted back to their hotel to practice their physical stimulation, now that their mental had been drained.

"What a strange pair," Quamp thought, but was a sensitive Vogon and added, "I think I'll write a ballad about them."

And they all lived wonderfully twisted, long and productive lives until they died from natural causes and not from any failed experiments because it's perfectly all right to want to experiment with new forms of pleasure with someone you love and trust. This doesn't count Quamp who became a famous poet because of it's sensitive work and the moral of that is it's ok to be sensitive if you are a male, or a Vogon, or both.


	2. Interlude

(And now a brief interlude before the next chapter of this story. I don't know why Nuwanda wants a new chapter, but I shall write one anyway. And it will be dirtier. MUCH dirtier. But now an interlude in the proceedings.)

(Standard Disclaimer: I do not own any of this. I just wrote it. Using it to fuel your own creative devices or career is not stealing, but I would appreciate having a look at it when you've finished mangling it.)

In a solitary cave on a cold little planet orbiting a dying star, a group of hooded figures assembled, as many cults often do, and turned towards their leader to hear him read from the Great Book. The leader raised a hand to silence the imaginary hoards of people crying to hear the words of wisdom he was about to speak.

"I will now read from Book One of the Great Book. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Chapter One, Verses One and Two."

And so spake the Reader of the Great Book.

_H2G2.1.1 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun._

_H2G2.1.2 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea._

The Reader closed the book and spoke unto his fellow cult members and the crowd inside his head. "So spoke the Great DNA in His Trilogy. Remember the words as you write, and treat them all with the utmost respect. When you spread the name DNA remember His truths and do not disobey them, unless it is for a laugh. Go and write in peace. Don't Panic."

The cult broke off to their separate corners of the cave as their planet's orbit continued to decay. As they typed their horrid fanfiction to spread the word throughout the galaxy, I had to think "Boy, I'd rather be there than doing this mailing."


	3. Teasing

EPISODE THREE: TEASING

"I know you have it."

"No I don't!"

"Give it back, Ford."

"Why would I take it?"

"I'm warning you!"

"Ow ow ow ow!"

"There. That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Arr… Why do you need that mug anyway?"

"Because it's mine, from Earth, remember Earth?"

"Yes I remember… Arthur? What would you have done if you had actually broken my finger?"

"I would have gotten my mug back anyway."

Ford grinned. "That's what I love about you. No mercy."

Arthur set down his mug and glared at Ford.

"Ford, don't start. This is not a good time."

"Fine then," said Ford, sauntering towards Arthur. "I won't start a thing."

Ford grabbed Arthur's mug again and ran.

Ford swung around the table and back into the bedroom with Arthur close behind, but gained some distance when Arthur got his robe caught. By the time Arthur had followed Ford over the bed and into the bathroom Ford was already standing on the edge of the bathtub ready to smash Arthur's precious souvenir.

Arthur put up his hands defensively and spoke hesitantly.

"Ford, don't. I'll… give you what you want."

Ford stepped down lightly, grinning like a maniac, and gently set the mug on the edge of the sink. Then lunged.

Despite Ford's small size, he managed to pin Arthur quite easily. Ford had Arthur pinned down on the bed in an unflattering position. His bathrobe looked like wings. However uncomfortable it looked, Arthur found it relaxing to have Ford on top of him. He let Ford use his tongue to relax him even more, and was quite disappointed when Ford began to talk.

"Do you remember that energy pull I talked to you about?"

"Yes," said Arthur with his eyes closed. "And I'm not doing it."

"Please?"

"I'd have to be drugged. OW! Ford!"

"What?"

"Is that what you got me sedated for? To try and convince me to participate in another of your mad games?"

"I just want us to be closer."

"Then talk to me. I don't want to read your mind, Ford, and I don't want to abuse you. You can't use me like that. You need to find someone else to abuse you."

The door to the flat slammed open and shut. A head poked itself into the bedroom. "Woah, is this a private party?" Another head took a peek. "Yow!"

Ford immediately leaped up and put on his air of cool. "Oh hi Zaphod. You should have knocked."

"Well you know how it is," said Zaphod sauntering in while Arthur retreated to a corner. "President of the Galaxy, fugitive, I don't have time to give a warning."

At that moment he punched Ford full in the face. Ford did an elegant 360 turn before collapsing on the floor. Zaphod smoothed his hair back.

"You know, little cousin, that was a totally un-cool thing of you to do. The hair is sacred, and for you to even touch the hair product is a blasphemy. Fortunately I attached our new super deluxe tracking device to it, you clepto-bastard."

Zaphod moved to kick Ford, so Arthur thought he should speak up.

"Um, don't hurt him! Damn. I mean, he only steals for attention. He wants you to hurt him."

Zaphod turned his attention to Arthur. "What a crap defense. Now the ape is pretending to be a lawyer. Speaking of clepto's, you're in for a smack as well for stealing my girlfriend." Zaphod raised a fist, but Arthur backed away defensively.

"I didn't steal her, she left you. She has free will you know."

"What girl would ever leave me of her own free will?"

"You obviously have underestimated Earth women."

"And you could never have stolen her." Zaphod relaxed. "No, you're too distracted with having Ford up your bum to even notice a girl."

"Now hang on a minute,"

"Hey guys?"

Zaphod and Arthur looked down at Ford, whose eye had swollen to the size of a peach.

"Can we turn the attention back to me?"

The answer was a resounding no.

"Sorry I can't hit you, Ford," sneered Zaphod. "My time is being monopolized by your eunuch."

"Like you could ever please a woman!" shouted Arthur. "No wonder Tricia left you!"

"Can we not fight guys?"

"Forget it Earth scum. I've done things with things that you have never heard of."

"That doesn't mean you know a thing about humans."

"Ha! I could make you orgasm five times in eight seconds."

"Ha! That I'd like to see."

"Ok!"

"Fighting is not the ans--"

Ford's sentence was cut off by shock. Zaphod's slower head, who had been keeping an eye on Ford, turned to see what its compatriot was doing. "Woah."

Ford decided to wait until they had finished their… to make an editorial comment. It did not seem appropriate while they were… otherwise distracted. It took a while.

When they were finally done kissing Ford said. "That wasn't necessary."

Arthur was breathing heavily. "Oh no, Ford. You wanted mental torture and you are going to get it."

"Arthur, if you think that I will sit here and watch you… with my cousin--"

"I know you won't," said Arthur. He turned to Zaphod. "Let's tie him to a chair."

Zaphod didn't need to think. "Hey, sounds like a good punishment. I've got a free afternoon."

The duct tape was rather tight around Ford's middle. He didn't see why they had to duct tape his mouth as well. He could still shut his eyes if he wanted to, but why would he when he had the best seat in the house?


	4. Dinner

EPISODE FOUR: DINNER

As soon as Arthur walked in he sat down at the bar. He wasn't used to being out alone, but there was no way he could have brought Ford with him. Without even looking he could tell where Zaphod was. You could always tell from the noise. Arthur ordered his drink and sat like a quiet drunk waiting for happy hour. He had always felt awkward sitting alone on at a bar on Earth, but the strange surroundings comforted him, that and the barstool was made for a creature twice his size. It made him feel less looming. Zaphod was at his elbow. The crowd of noise moved away as Zaphod ordered his drinks. They didn't look at each other.

"Does Ford know you're here?" said Zaphod's closer head, once it had taken a drink.

"No."

"Good." Zaphod finally looked at Arthur. "Why don't you just leave with me this time? We'll have a great time cruising the galaxy, then I can drop you back off at whatever dung heap Ford is staying at when you get homesick."

"I can't do that. It would break his heart. Humans don't leave people that easily."

"No, they just have affairs."

"That's not true."

"Well you and Trillian are the only humans I know and--"

"You leave her out of this!" By this time Arthur was standing and people were starting to stare. "I have to go home."

"You should go," yelled Zaphod at Arthur's retreating back. "You only come back when you are ready to make a full commitment to the Big Z." He turned back to his slower head which was in the process of getting him both drunk. He looked away again to a more pleasing sight. "Hey baby, you look like you could commit to forty-seven minutes of the Big Z…"

When Arthur got home, Ford was listening to opera, in a cage. Arthur had no idea where Ford had got the cage; he didn't think the Vogons sold them. Ford heard Arthur come in, but ignored him until the aria was over. Only then did he look at Arthur.

"Some of your German composers were pretty sadistic. I bet you miss it. But maybe you have found something else to cure your homesickness."

"Ford, listen—"

"Sometimes I wonder if you will come home at all."

"I can't leave—"

"Oh, I understand. He's ex-president of the galaxy and all. My cousin by three mothers, creator of the most popular drink in existence, two heads—"

"Ford! Stop it! I'm not leaving. You… scare me sometimes. Zaphod is downright normal compared to you. I can't keep up with you twenty something hours a day."

"I'm not asking you to keep up with me. I just want you to see all the things that the galaxy has to offer. Just trust me. You might even enjoy yourself."

"I— I trust you Ford. I don't understand you, but I trust you."

"So we're OK?"

"Yes, Ford. We're OK."

"Good. Come see my new toy."

Arthur stifled his protest and followed Ford, with a bit clearer knowledge of how the universe really works.

"I want to cook something."

Arthur didn't even look up. "Do you remember what happened the last time? Your pasta somehow got stuck to the inside of the lamp."

"This time I'll make something easier." Ford collapsed into a cushy chair and stared at the ceiling. "I think I should make sGaza Bread with gNidoop Sauce."

"Well it will be an interesting conversation piece for our guest."

Ford looked at Arthur suddenly. "Guest? What guest?"

"I invited Zaphod."

"And what in Zarquod's name did you do that for?"

Arthur snapped down his reading. "Because of what happened when we went out drinking the other night. As soon as you saw Zaphod you disappeared. You and he have been avoiding each other for ages, and I know why. You are bloody cousins and I hate what is going on because of me."

Arthur put his book back up over his face. Ttehct Arp the Yrt's new book wasn't all that interesting, but Arthur wanted to make sure that Ford knew the conversation was over.

Ford ordered out food under a false name from the easiest place to split the check, and then went out to pick it up with some false fingerprints. Arthur continued reading. If there had been a clock, it would have ticked. Some time later, Zaphod knocked on the door and Arthur answered it.

"Hey, earthman, ready to go?"

"We are eating in tonight, Zaphod."

"Ah, a little bedtime snack? So, I assume Ford is out for the evening."

"Oh, he'll be back soon."

"So how long do we have?"

"Not long enough, apparently." Ford stomped in with a scowl and smacked the take-out bag on the table. "I am going to make drinks. I, for one, will need to be seriously smashed to participate in this evening."

Ford stomped out of the room while Zaphod glared at Arthur.

"Hey, monkeyman, what kind of idea is this?"

"You two have been avoiding each other and it is my entire fault. I won't be caught in-between you two anymore."

Zaphod was silent. Half an hour later, no one had said a word. Ford ate his food with malice, Zaphod picked at the overdone lumps of wBrfacknah, and Arthur anxiously watched the two of them.

"Well, Zaphod," Arthur started. "What have you been up to?"

"Had any run-in's with Galactic Police?" Ford asked quietly.

"I should ask you the same thing," said Zaphod coldly. "I know you can't pay for any of this."

"Are you saying I can't support myself?"

"I was just suggesting that some people may want a more stable life than you are willing to provide."

"And you call yourself stable? You are about as stable as a ten-armed flava monkey on crystal lemon in a weapons arsenal."

"And you are as deranged as wet mattress, on fire, in a—in a—in a bloody engine room!"

"HE'S MINE! I FOUND HIM FIRST!"

"WHO CARES WHO FOUND HIM? YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM!"

"I LOVE HIM! YOU COULD NEVER LOVE!"

"WELL WHY DON'T WE LET THE APE DECIDE FOR HIMSELF?"

They both looked at Arthur who was still trying to understand the mattress analogy. Arthur was confused. He did not want to choose, he just couldn't stand the bloody silence. However, silence was better than fighting over him.

"I think," he said slowly, "that we should all have another drink."

Once more, there was silence. Bottles began to pile up in the sink. Still, there was silence. Arthur felt something growing in the pit of his stomach. He furrowed his brow as the frustration crept up his esophagus and strangled him into talking.

"You know, I have had some adfesntrruurs withh the both of yous, and I am thinkkking, is what I want, which is, is what which I want, is Earth. That wass my home, and now is just dust. And so, I'm stuck here, whith the both of yous, and you want me to deessside who to spend my… life whith. Well, you can both bugger off, cuz neither of you has wot I really want."

"Hey, now, jest hold on a minute," Ford tried to stand. "Who was your bessssst friend on Earth, aye? Who reminds you of your own own home?"

"Nop, yurr an alien, and that is that."

"Look, monkey, there are other worlds—" "With great big tits—" "We'll you shut up?" Zaphod's heads were both competing for their shared brain cells. "My point is, you can find a lot more stuff out threrr then you could on your little planet."

"No. I grew up there, and that's the only place I belong."

"ARTHUR!" shouted Ford. "YOU CAN'T GO BACK! IT'S GONE! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?"

Arthur sniffed. "I don't know."

"Oh for Zarquod's sake!" Ford stood up and began pacing the room, gesturing dramatically. "You told us what you want, now what about what WE want?"

Arthur stood up. "Sod. This." He then got the hell out of there.


	5. Lost

EPISODE FIVE: LOST

Arthur had left Ford at their apartment. Later, Zaphod picked him up in the Heart of Gold. He didn't want to go back. That was all he said. He didn't know what had happened to Ford.

Now he was stuck with Zaphod, traveling to improbable locations throughout the galaxy. They didn't really have anything in common, except for Trillian, and she had dumped the both of them long ago. Maybe that is what had drawn them together in the first place. Arthur went on at long lengths on this subject for a long time after a bad bottle of wine one evening, until Zaphod told him that if he didn't shut up, he wouldn't get to be on top for a week. Arthur shut up. He didn't mind being submissive, but Zaphod was heavy.

They weren't friends. Either one would tell you that they weren't friends. They were just traveling together, they'd say if anybody asked. Sleeping together would never come up in conversation. Whenever Zaphod decided to pick up a girl, Arthur would retire to his own cabin and try to distract himself from the eternal nagging question in the back of his head demanding to know what exactly he was doing with himself.

The truth is, they were both very tired and depressed. Arthur had nowhere to go and nothing to do and Zaphod was getting quite sick of his presence on the ship, which he was sort of embarrassed about. So they shuffled around each other on the Heart of Gold, occasionally having angry, hurtful sex, but not often speaking.

It was on a particularly gloomy day where the ship was just floating near an asteroid field that Arthur decided he would go see Marvin and asked the computer to do just that. The computer, however, had no idea where Marvin was, but the Infinite Improbability Drive came in handy once again, and in an instant the ship was in orbit around a gray, gross piece of rock with barely habitable atmosphere. Zaphod came rushing onto the bridge.

"Hey, monkeyman, what's up with the huddy behavior? Who told you you could go press buttons?"

"Zaphod, I'm going to see Marvin," said Arthur gloomily. "You can come if you like." Zaphod was motionless. He just glared. "Fine. Just don't leave without me."

The ship opened and Arthur strolled out onto the planet wrapped tightly in his robe. "Marvin!" he called into the twilight.

Gradually one rock disengaged itself from the rest of the landscape.

"Oh, it's you. I was just starting to hate this place and now you have come along."

"Hello Marvin."

"What do you want?"  
"Your company. Is that so surprising?"

"No one wants my company. I'm too depressing."

"Well, I'm depressed and I thought misery loves company so here I am!" shouted Arthur angrily. He sat down harshly on the ground. "I have no home, no family, I'm stuck with someone I hate, and the only person I can talk to is a manically depressed robot who has no idea of the intricacies of human existence."

"What happened to Ford?"

"Ford's a nutter."

"It seems like you two got along rather well."

"Oh too well. He draws you in, offers you comfort, gets you right where he wants you, then stabs you right in the stomach. He acts so innocent afterwards, like it is something everyone does. Well, I might only be from Earth, but I know that is _not_ how 'everyone' does it."

"So you 'did it' with Zaphod."

"Wha- I mean, how?"

"It's obvious when you have a brain the size of a planet. You people never listen."

"Well, yes. It is obvious, isn't it? Ford was hurting me, so I wanted to hurt him, and Zaphod was the perfect choice. But he deserved it."

"He deserved it?"  
"Yes, and I don't feel sorry. I don't want to be with him. I hate him."

"Then why are you still talking about him?"

"You're right. He is my only friend in this strange galaxy, and I've got make things better between us." Arthur stood up. "Thanks Marvin. It's been great."

Arthur strode back to the ship and the hatch closed.

"Wonderful. Just leave me here then," Marvin called to the retreating ship. "To think I almost thought that you were here to replace the diodes on my left side. Or give me a new leg. Or get me off this miserable rock."

But there was no answer as the Heart of Gold was off to find Ford Prefect.


	6. Mud

EPISODE SIX: MUD

Ford had been staying on Eroticon Six for the past few months. Having no money as such with which to buy a prostitute, he took to lying naked in the street covered in mud waiting for people to step on him. It was hardly the same. Forced to get hurt by strangers who didn't even know he was there. He missed Arthur. Sweet, timid Arthur, who never wanted to hurt him, but did so anyway out of love. They probably would never see each other again.

"Computer, where are we?"

"We are currently in orbit around the pleasure planet of Eroticon Six, home to some of the wildest prostitutes in the Galaxy."

Zaphod appeared in the doorway. "You know monkeyman, you know just how to brighten my day. How'd you hear about this place."

"Oh, I dunno. I just pushed the button and here we are." Arthur was actually quite depressed to end up here. If Ford was here, then he really wasn't the man Arthur remembered.

"All right, monkey, let's get down there and get us some tail. You know this is home to the best whore in the galaxy. You gotta meet her."

The Heart of Gold landed in the expensive district, even though the passengers had no money. The ship was just that nice. With Zaphod in the lead, they were able to walk straight into the biggest and best brothel on the planet, and, while the bouncers were still trying to get out one word, Zaphod strode up to the most famous whore in the Galaxy.

"Hiya! Remember me?"

"Zaphod Beeblebrox" crooned the gigantic whore. "I thought you had forgotten about me."

"Eccentrica Gallumbits, how could anyone ever forget you?"

"You aren't very forgettable yourself. But unfortunately, your line of credit has run out."

"Hey, baby, that's cool. I don't have money, but I think you might be interested in a trade."

"What do you have in mind?"

"You're joking!" interrupted Arthur. "You haven't got a thing to your name besides your reputation."

"Will you shut it?" Zaphod adjusted his jacket. "I'm negotiating here." He turned back to Eccentrica. "What I got for you is unique in the known universe…"

While Zaphod made his case to the giant whore, (really giant, I mean, you don't even understand! She is 12 feet tall!) Arthur took in his surroundings. Eccentrica Gallumbits' suite was composed of many _giant _lounges in all the sensual colors of the rainbow. On these lounges were actual live humanoids, and some non-humanoids as well.

"Um, hello," said Arthur to one of the humanoids. "What do you, um, people do, here, um?"

"We're the harem. We are Her collector's items." This one was vaguely female.

"Oh well, um, she has wonderful taste."

The female smiled at Arthur but Zaphod called him over.

"And here he is!"

Eccentrica looked skeptical. "He doesn't look like much."

"Yeah, but you'd have the only one in the Galaxy. And he's trainable."

"All right, I'll take him."

By the time Arthur realized just what they meant, one of the escorts had a collar around his neck.

"Hey! Wait!" Arthur screamed. "Zaphod! You can't leave me like this!"

Zaphod turned around as he was escorting Eccentrica to her boudoir. "Hey, it's business, monkeyman. Get used to the Galaxy."

"YOU DOUBLE HEADED PIECE OF SHIT!" Arthur wracked his brain for something that might actually make Zaphod turn around again. "Um, Belgium! BELGIUM!"

Zaphod and his whore stopped, but he didn't look at Arthur. Eccentrica spoke to her escorts only. "Make sure he gets cleaned inside and out." They began walking again.

"Sorry baby. I told you he was attached to me." Zaphod smiled, and Arthur was dragged off to a different floor in this strange play-thing mansion.

After the initial shock had worn off, Arthur supposed that it might not be so bad. He had been thoroughly cleaned, but otherwise treated kindly. His 'handlers' had the souls of Vogons, but the other 'collectibles' were quite intelligent and very friendly.

"Cheer up Arthur," one or another of them would say. "It's a nice life. Not much to do, unless She is entertaining company. Think of it as retirement."

That was one thing that grated on Arthur, how they never said their owner's name. Then again, Eccentria Gallumbits is a mouthful.

It was on the third day of Arthur's stay that Eccentrica finally took an interest in him. "Oh new pet," she called as she entered the Collected Quarters. "You haven't been trained yet. Come with me."

Arthur obediently got up, but he could help noticing the pitying faces of the other collectibles. They walked to a very sparse room, the emptiest that Arthur had seen in the building.

"Strip down," Eccentrica ordered.

Arthur hesitated, but thought to himself if he just did what she said it would all be over quicker.

"Zaphod was right, you have training potential. Spin. Good. Hmn, do you have anything special?"

"What?" Arthur though of Zaphod. "Um, no, just what you see."

"Damn. I knew that bastard was cheating me."

"Ha, how do you think I feel?"

Eccentrica glared. "You will speak only when spoken to."

Somehow, she made Arthur feel ashamed. "Sorry."

"Good. Now we will be fitting you so I may show you off today at our monthly get together."

The fitting did not go well. Arthur was a good subject, but the clothes that he was supposed to wear were not very fitting. There was hardly any fabric, and very too many buckles and straps.

"Um," was all Arthur could say during the process of getting everything to fit.

"You are larger that you appear to be on first inspection," commented Eccentrica as her escorts loosened some of the more uncomfortable harnesses. "It must be the way you carry yourself. When you walk with me, you must feel bigger than who you actually are. That is the only way you will come off as anything besides helpless. Now, take them off."

"But I thought the gathering was today," said Arthur, as he stood perfectly still while the escorts busied about him.

"It is, but due to the nature of our streets, you must walk to the gathering naked. Bathing facilities are always provided as soon as one enters, and there you may get into your costume. I am always carried by six of my personal escorts. They too are always naked."

"Um," Arthur said again, for lack of anything else to say.

As the Amazonian whore got into her transport, a leash was tied to it and attached to a collar around Arthur's neck.

"Ready?" asked Eccentrica, not expecting a reply. "Forward."

Arthur was dragged behind the fast moving sedan while trying to hold onto his vulnerable bits. Fortunately, the sedan was stopped every few minutes so Eccentrica could wave to her adoring fans.

"Well," Arthur thought to himself as he ran to keep up, "at least I don't have to carry her as well." Her special escorts were huge, muscled, eight foot tall pea-brains who dwarfed Arthur's six foot frame. It was an entirely different experience that he was used to. He was getting covered in mud, and was having a hard time not tripping over the debris when Eccentrica stopped once more. Arthur's foot got lodged in something and he went face first into the mud. He turned around to pull his foot out and saw part of a very familiar head sticking out.

"Ford?" Arthur didn't have time to say anything else before he was pulled away.

"Yes?" Ford sat up and looked around. There was Arthur being pulled behind the train of none other than Eccentrica Gallumbits.

"Oh Zark," said Ford, and began to dig himself out of the hole he had been inhabiting.


	7. Arthur's Story

EPISODE SEVEN: ARTHUR'S STORY

The 'gathering' that was spoken of was so akin to High Tea back on Earth, that Arthur almost forgot himself. He had been washed and dressed all without any effort on his part, and was sitting politely at Eccentrica's feet. The first hour had passed where Arthur had been allowed to dose when not partaking of some green tea, _neon_ green tea, that was being passed among the other collectables.

Then, suddenly it was time for his presentation.

"This one is brand new today," Eccentrica announced as Arthur struggled to stand. "Introduce yourself."

"Er, hello," started Arthur. "My name is Arthur Dent and I'm a human from the Planet Earth."

"Earth?" said one of the other assembled women. "What a dull name. Does anyone know what the Guide has to say about it?"

"I do," said Arthur, before anyone could pull out their copy. "It used to say plainly 'Harmless,' but now it says 'Mostly Harmless.'" He looked to Eccentrica for approval. She nodded.

"This Earth was destroyed and this human is the only survivor," said Eccentrica, proudly. Arthur decided not to tell her about Trillian, in case she wanted a matching set.

"Well now, human, you must entertain us with some sort of trick," said one of the harder to please women. "Do you know any poetry?"

"I'm afraid I only know the Vogon kind at the moment."

There was a collective gasp, followed by remarks of both disgust and bewilderment.

"Ecchi, dear, you really got the raw end of the deal for this one."

Eccentrica cleared her throat. "Would you mind explaining to us how you developed a taste for the most disgusting art form in the galaxy?"

"Well, I don't enjoy it much, but I have heard so much of it, that when someone says poetry, it is the only thing that comes to mind. One of my first experiences, er, off my own planet was with Vogon poetry. I was rescued from the destruction of my planet by a writer for the Guide, and he hitched us a ride on a Vogon ship. I traveled with him for many years, and most of my experiences are on par with Vogon poetry."

Arthur noticed that all the occupants in the room were rapt to attention at him. It seemed that even the bustle from the outside had quieted to hear his story. Well, that was what he was here for, wasn't it? To entertain? Arthur proceeded to tell his story of travel through the galaxy with Ford. Judging by the reaction, the women were much more receptive to the parts about their relationship, as most of them had already seen the strange sights he was describing. It felt somewhat of a relief to finally tell someone else about his strange and painful relationship.

"Then I left him for Zaphod, who was a lot more predictable. We hated each other. I finally decided to come here to look for Ford, but it seems that I've failed him once again."

"You came here for me?"

A freshly washed Ford Prefect was standing in the doorway.

"Ford! How in the hell did you get in here?"

Ford held up a small credit card. "Emergency cash. The Guide isn't going to like it, but to Zark with them."

"Well, er, this is a little akward." Arthur looked at his very revealing costume.

"Oh stuff it." Ford ran up and gave Arthur a huge bear hug. "I heard your story," he said while squeezing the life out of Arthur. "I missed you too."

There was a huge round of applause harmonized with by a chorus of nose blowing.

"Arthur, I must commend your story," announced Eccentrica. "It was so moving that I have decided to let you go with your true love."

"Ecchi!"  
"No! You musn't let him go!

"Well, _true love_, is a bit of an overstatement—"

"Silence!" said the whore as she stood up. "I have made my decision. But remember, Arthur, there is always a place for you here, should you need to run away again." She leaned in close. "Don't go with Zaphod, please."

Ford and Arthur stopped by Eccentrica's abode to retrieve Arthur's old clothes. They were clean and fluffed for the first time in quite a while. Then, they hitched their way out of there.

THE END


End file.
